28

 I am 28, and shit is not figured out. 

When I was around 12, 15 maybe, I remembered thinking that people who were 27-- 28, were old. 

"That's so close to 30. 30 is old." 

It's funny because I haven't really thought of myself as old until I realized that wow, I am 28. Am I old?

And then, there's this list. List of things I should have already done by now. It's an exhausting list of dreams and tenets that are supposed to mean you are of value. A vicious list of standards that humans created to make one feel better than the other. Maybe that was not entirely its purpose, though. I am just an insecure 28-year-old that haven't really gone through this list. And ironically, the most positive realization out of all of this is that everything is my fault. 

Everything is my fault. That's a good thing to know! You finally sit down and come to your senses that hey, you are in control of how you think. It does not matter who hurt you, or what made you this way, it is up to you to decide what you can learn from all of it! 

I have wasted many years blaming my parents for passing too early and leaving me and my siblings alone. I have wasted years blaming my past relationships for not being able to think I deserve to have a good one. I have wasted years believing I haven't been a good mother. I have wasted years scurrying into the shadows and just isolating myself and then blaming others because I feel "left out". I have wasted a good many years shrinking because when you're being big and seen, you can feel the hot prodding metal sticks of judgment never realizing I was the one leading the persecution. So many of those years I always saw myself as the victim and never looked in the mirror and see the very one guilty of my own demise. 

Well. I am 28, and when you are 28, you start thinking about these things. A midlife self-evaluation if you will. And soon, I will be 30. and then 35, 40, 45, 50... Everything that will happen will be up to me. No one else. 

We never run out of life crises, don't we? Might be a good idea to rethink how we see people who are 50. If I would have to go through all that have to be gone through from here on out until I am 50? Wow, They sure are awesome. Old-- but awesome ;) <3