so this is what i say when they ask me what my greatest fear is

God forbid you'll never understand how much I love you. Here I am, looking at you, recounting your gestures of genuine love-- respect. I'm thinking, what do I have to do to stop this? This is the beginning, this is where I am about to lose you. My mind succumbs into a panic, crunching up strategies, holding back tears-- "no, this can't be happening how do I-- what do I---" and amidst all that chaos that is my thoughts, you're just peacefully asleep. When you wake up, all you'll care about will be your games and food. God forbid you'll never understand how much I would sacrifice to shelter you, your innocence and your unbrazen confidence that the world is yours. My dearest boy, forgive me for thinking it is your responsibility to show me that you love me. You don't have to. All I have to do is to love you. 

I'm the eldest sister, of course...

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

They all get along except me.

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

They'd rather have me away so they can have more fun.

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

Bare minimum is alright if it's them, but if I do something wrong or if I fall short for just a moment, I'm a bad sister.

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

What's mine is theirs, what's theirs is HANDS OFF

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

It's alright if they insult/disrespect me because I will forgive them anyway, but they sulk and get depressed when I say something as a joke.

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

Everything is my fault. 

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

They are the only ones allowed to be depressed. 

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

I don't get the thank yous

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

I organize everything so THEY can have fun

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

I should be supportive and understanding during their downtimes, but they are allowed to complain and sigh, and pressure me during mine

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

I don't need their help.

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

I have to be emotionally available to them, but not to myself 

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

My authority is equal to what I give. If I fail to give something, I don't have any right.

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

When I do something for them, they enjoy the privilege but they "did not ask for it."

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

I can't get mad

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

 I have no one to talk to because that'll be gaslighting

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

I cry in quick, short bursts because nobody should see me suffering because then I am making them feel guilty.

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

It's my job...

 I'm the eldest sister, of course...

I constantly wish to die