Shadow Work

 1.1 Inner Child

• What pains from my childhood shaped who I am now?
• my father wanted to support my talents, but he was irresponsible. my mother wanted me to be the best but she was insecure. they were always fighting. we were always in the middle of it all. i remember snippets... but I remember the smell of alcohol and the sound of my mother sobbing. but I remember that all of that had to be under wraps because there is an image of a loving family they'd want to protect. and that was I guess, frustrating to me as a child. because we go to church, they know what's right and wrong, but they never seemed to get it right and they almost never get along, and when they do, it doesn't really last. i remember feeling happy.. kilig.. when things were god between them because that is so rare. there is always so much hate and frustration, maybe not towards each other, but towards the life they ended up living. they love each other, I know that, that's why my dad kept drinking because he can't give her the life she wants, and that's why my mom kept crying. to hep with the facade, my mom attempted with great gusto to prune her children to perfection. i remember the late school nights that we had to get all the answers to her mock exams perfect or else we won't have any sleep, or TV breaks. i remember crying because she'd hit me with a ruler because I didn't know how to read the time. the clock faces mocking me, and her voice gruelling, the ruler poised to make the hit. she would nudge the side of my forehead harshly, ''ayaw pagbinugo''. i remember going to school every morning, we would commute, and she'd sit behind me, and then she'd hit my back, subtly so people won't notice, because I wasn't sitting upright. when there is something that makes her angry at me, she never talks to me about it outright, it is always a subtle pinch, a silent glare, or a beating when we arrived home. i remember always being compared to classmates, cousins, relatives, girls my age... so much expectations, everything had to be a competition. i always had my hair done in different hairstyles because another kid's mom was really good at giving her braids. the Christmas parties are crazy, unconsciously, we always had to outdress one another. oh all the insults I had just because I placed second in the honor roll. my grandfather on my dad's side is a pastor. my mom's side is the more rowdy one. so whenever we are at my mom's side of the family, we'd be more relaxed, because we are always told to act a certain way, always having to watch what you are saying and doing. once I spent a couple of weeks there and when I went back to my mom's place, my lola said, ''mura kag santos na wala kaihi'' she meant I was holding back who I really was, in her eyes maybe a little bitch.. i remember always having to dim down because some things are improper. all the books or comics I wasn't allowed to read, all the contests I wasn't allowed to join because they are sinful. shamed for dressing up, but not allowed to dress down because I wouldn't look nice. shamed for speaking up because why did you have to say that you are destroying a routine... i lie a lot about my experiences so I could look cool. i remember all those lies still. they haunt me. they haunt me because they probably realized by now I made it all up. i look at my 12-year old self and see a girl so young,, but then she is so bent and twisted and confused and just desperate for approval. i don't think I remember cuddling with my mom. i remember the scent of her clothes, the taste of the food she makes, the sound of her steps.. how she prepares to go to work every day putting on her makeup.. but I don't think I remember cuddling with my mom. 

          

• What younger version of myself was my favorite? Why?

                    the one who drew a lot even though her dad told her her imaginary friend looked like a demon. the one who played make-believe with her sister in the yard, the one who wrote songs, the one who was allowed to sit down with her legs spread like a boy because she thought it looked cool sitting down like her dad. i felt like those are the versions of her that were most true. 

• What patterns do I have now that I also had as a child?

the pretending.. the people-pleasing. always yes yes yes. how do I tell people that hey that is not who I am, I was just pretending.

1.2 Grief

"Grief is also a window into hope, resilience, strength, rebirth, curiosity, enduring, and adapting to change."

Think about any perceptions you have around grief. 

Reflect on any ways you've wanted to rush through grief or bypass grieving. 

Consider holding grief gently with compassion and tenderness. 

Invite yourself to the grieving process as sacred. 

You can grieve people, paths, possibilities, and parts of self. 

        I guess when I think about grief, and how I dealt with it in the past, I was always placing myself as victim. Always pitying myself and displaying that.. and rendering myself unable to carry out responsibilities, unable to carry on and when I do and it doesn't work out, I blame it on that grief. It's because I lost this and that. I believe I have settled with my parents' death pretty recently. I have learned that a lot of things are not their fault and I don't have to see myself as pitiful because so many people stood up in their place and helped us. Controversial, but maybe, just maybe, things are better off this way. The ideal of having loving parents and healthy parent-kid relations is just that, an ideal. I am not glad that they are dead, of course not! Maybe all that fighting could have stopped, maybe they saw us become adults and achieve milestones, maybe we could have shared stories as friends, so many things that maybe could have happened, but their passing taught us so much. that life is hard, and we only have each other so even though it can be too much sometimes, we have to stick together. If they were around, I would not see this side of life and I would have taken a lot of things for granted. 

    Also recently, a couple of scenarios opened up a new wound to grieve. It was on my mind in the past but in a different way. That I am lucky to be alone. and that I would rather not be in a relationship if it would only lead to stress. I avoid conflicts too much... it's a problem. I don't like to communicate about them. I know I should work on that but old habits don't die that easy. and so that problem is part of the reasons why I don't even want to consider stepping into relationships. I think I am a romantic person. I love love! And I know I can love so much and so beautifully, and so I feel like I would be completely devastated if it won't be met in the same way. but anyway, I am almost 30. My youth has left me. The topic of my singleness now sting a bit when before I was proud that I am alone and independent. There are moments when I thought, hmm, a husband would be helpful for this... or hmm it would be nice if I could talk to a husband about this and that... or just hmm, it would be nice if I could ask a husband for help on this and that... Before, I always thought I could do all things on my own. She was so confident! I am not anymore. I feel like I am rotting away, all of my potential going down the drain. No dreams in progress, no love in sight, no coin saved up... it is something to grieve, but it is also my own doing. 

    So, how do I peer into this grief window and see hope? 

1.3